The Wandsworth Allotment Holder

On Dirty Sexy Money this evening there was reference to a sexual position called The Italian Banker. Curious, I did some research - desk, not actual (chance would be a fine thing).

It appears that opinion is divided about which gymnastic arrangement constitutes an 'Italian Banker'. Some say its a woman posing crablike above a man, both facing up (ouch). Others moot that it refers to an early porn film in which a standing woman bends over to offer a seated man some oral relief (the man is a bank employee and likes his pizza and pasta, what can I tell you - BadaBing).

Apparently, if it's the crab version then the woman will burn 912 calories - but this seems like flawed data to me as surely it would depend on how long she could maintain the position before every joint in her body gave out as to how many calories she dispensed with? In my case I would probably burn around 9.12 calories...

Anyway. All this led me to thinking about the invention and subsequent coining of new sexual positions. Just like territories in the New World, this is uncharted territory that is ripe for the plucking (I SAID PLUCKING). So here are some I devised earlier:

The Wandsworth Allotment Holder - a woman bends at the waist gripping a particularly entrenched dandelion, the man penetrates from behind, and as the woman rocks back and forth, tugging ever more furiously on the stubborn root the man looks to the horizon and says, "hmmm, I don't like the look of those clouds"

The Norwich Car Booter - in a windy park and ride on a Sunday morning a man sits on a picnic chair behind a flimsy pasting table covered in knick knacks . A woman sidles up to the table, eyeing his 12 inches, "I'll give you a quid for the lot", she says. The man responds, "you don't get many of them to the pound"


...While struggling to come up with the next smutty aside I very nearly crossed the line and made a tasteless comment about someone from Angus giving head - forgive me. Perhaps it's a sign that I should, in the words of the indomitable Bianca Jackson, "leave it!"...